Steve Tilley offers the following:I would like to offer you a final chance to order appropriate gifts for the twelve days of Christmas. Sadly not all traditional produce is currently available. However we can offer:

*A partridge, some bits of broken registration plate and a cracked indicator glass. It was run down as I swerved to avoid a pear tree felled by the wind.

*The two turtle doves have been humanely destroyed in view of their many communicable diseases.

*Under a new agreement the British are providing the hens; the French are making the coops.

*Four calling birds, vocally modified to avoid upsetting country dwellers of a non-rural background.

*Five golden rings bought off that Dave who pops into the pub every now and again with interesting stuff know what I mean. Christmas orders for Nintendo products will be available Friday evening.

*One frozen goose, giblets included. Orders for six live and fertile geese could not be fulfilled at this time.

*Swans belong to the Crown and should be left alone. Anyone in possession of seven should be reported to the police.

*Eight non-gender-specific milking persons. Do not threaten the human rights of male milkers.

*Nine dancers and their partners – vote now to save your favourite. Calls from mobiles might not be charged at the normal rate.

*Ten Lords formerly a-leaping but now enjoying a graceless retirement.

*Eleven sequenced piping samples playing dub lang syne on heavy rotation.

*Twelve Hammerhead 1.0 rhythm programmes downloaded via Windows media player.

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